It takes TWO
As much as I want to look back and say “(your name), who?”, I never will be able. I chose to give myself to you, but you didn’t want me. I accept full responsibility for everything, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t “a young girl with (feelings)” just like you explained it to me. You are right about us. We wouldn’t have worked out, because it takes two. But my stupid heart still wants us to.
I realized this the first time I stayed over, and you had this change come over you. It was only for a spilt second, but you wanted me out, I could tell. You didn’t say anything, so I stayed, and you let me and you took care of me. We went to the store and you made me breakfast and tea and a mimosa, and I felt loved. I still feel bad for not explaining that I was still drinking the mimosa and that I did really like it but I just drink alcoholic drinks really slowly, before you had taken it away, thinking that I didn’t like it. I’m sorry.
We had plans the next day, and instead of canceling them with me, you still came…thirty minutes late. I was annoyed, and I think it showed. I was feeling uneasy. I felt the change that had come over us, but I wanted everything to still be that fairy tale romance you had brought me through in the beginning.
Everything was completely turned upside down and instead of talking about it, we let it go. Then your family issues came up the next day and you said you were going to have to fly out later in the week. Just like that, there were no more good morning and good night texts or calls. No more “babe”, “sweetie”, “honey”. I felt like I was initiating everything and you were just humoring me. I felt abandoned. I felt like I was no longer your girlfriend. Not even less than a friend to you. I justified everything with “I’m sure he’s just busy”. Even though I knew full well that the busy card is the most frequently played when you don’t have the heart to outright reject someone. No matter how busy a person is, they can and will make time for someone they are interested in.
I felt you were totally slipping away from me. I wanted to start seeing other people. But I didn’t want to cheat on you, so I broke up with you. But I didn’t see anyone else after that. You held on to me, and I let you. I couldn’t let you go all this time. Even though it hurt me so much. So it all culminated in this past weekend’s events. I foolishly held on to the hope that we could have a relationship again. But no.
You seem to think that we don’t have much in common at all. And that at the end of the day, you probably wouldn’t be able to stand to be with me. I wish I hadn’t let things get so physical so quickly. We should have gone on more real dates; to museums, to movies, dancing (which we talked about but never did). We had common interests, but instead of doing those things together, well, we didn’t. Unfortunately I can’t change your feelings about me. It takes two. Even in the most “natural” of relationships. Yes, our relationship would have been difficult because we don’t seem to intuitively understand each other. We would have needed constant and honest communication. Since it’s not what you want, as much as I want to love you and be with you, I can’t. It hurts to fully realize that it really takes two.
Also, I know you don’t want to be single any more. You don’t have to tell me that to try to make me feel better. You don’t want me. I get it. Two is better than one, and I want to you be happy.
